Okay to start with I feel I should clarify my stance on ‘Star Trek’ (by which I mean the Abrams film, just for your FYI if I’m referring to original Trek it’s be TOS), specifically my thoughts and feelings about this film as a big fan of the franchise. For starters let’s just say I liked the film for the most part, but for me it wasn’t something to shout about. If I were to rate it, 10 being ‘Wrath of Khan’/’First Contact’ and 1 being ‘Final Frontier’/’Nemesis’ then it’ll probably be about 5.5-6.5. Overall for me it was a good fun movie, but I’m not entirely sure it was a ‘Trek’ movie. It seemed like they were trying to both reinvent the wheel1 which was a little grating but I felt they needed to point these things out for plot relevance2, which I felt in some cases was redundant.
Another big concern is that they seemed to not know how to
be, well, scientific. One of the most important plot devices in the entire
movie surrounds this big blob of .. well red, which we find out that when it is
ejected into the core of a planet has the capability of turning it into a ‘Black
Hole’. Okay, finally wrapped your head around that? Good, because this truly
terrifying substance3 is called by the highly technical name of “Transmogrifying
Sub-atomic Black Hole Paste”... nah, but you might wish it was because it’s
just called “Red Matter”... What. The. Fuck. Okay, I know they wanted to move
away from the ‘Technobabble’, but come on that’s just being lazy. And why does
this monstrosity exist? J.J. loves the red ball. If *urgh* “Red Matter” returns
in ‘Into Darkness’, I’m hanging up my space suit4.
Okay I can possibly, maybe, unlikely, forgive all that if it
weren’t for the one thing that just bugged me the fucking most... James
Tiberius Kirk. Now I wasn’t as big a fan of TOS as I was TNG or DS9, but I know
my damn Kirk and he wasn’t it. Okay, I’ll admit off the bat there is only one
scene and one moment I believed Chris Pine was Kirk, and that’s right at the
very end when he enters the bridge in his captain’s uniform (we’ll get to that
later). Throughout the entire movie, Pine has absolutely none of the subtle nuisances
or personality that made up Kirk, even a proto-Kirk, which in comparison to the
rest of the cast did a superb job in channelling their characters and making
them their own. Kirk whining and being a jerk just didn’t sell him to me, and
he was the fucking main character next to Spock. When Kirk finally mans up and
takes the captains chair, it was a relief but then instead of doing his job he
teleports over the Romulan ship for a fist fight... wtf mate! Okay I know a lot
has to do with the script and the direction, and I know Pine could be Kirk even
if it’s for less than a minute at the end, but taking an entire movie to get
there just wasn’t a great move imho. Oh and wtf Starfleet, promoting a washout
rookie to Captain??? Okay so he saved Earth, it doesn’t mean you promote Batman
to be the fucking President, especially he Batranged the previous President in
the face and punched congress in the dick just because he stopped the Joker.
That part just felt so wrong, especially I bet most of the crew still think he’s
a fucking jerk who doesn’t respect that whole pesky ‘chain of command’
bullshit. It’s like “Okay he IS Thor’s kid and he saved ONE planet, but do I
have to salute the prick even though I’ve spent that last 15 years in a uniform
and he’s barely out of the academy???”
Wow talk about going on a tangent. So yeah I’m concerned
about Star Wars. Not to say I know of anyone who could do it better, although I
know a lot that could do it worse. I’m afraid this is just some bullshit
stunt-casting to try and drum up news and drama with the whole “STAR TREK DIRECTOR
MAKES STAR WARS OMG!!!!11.” I’m also hoping he might take his head out of this
ass long enough to not try to put his ‘stamp’ on the franchise and try to make
something more in line of a continuation... although I suppose it could be
worse, he could include medichlorines. Oh and no ‘lens flares’.
-
1 - Case and point with the usage of the Teleporter and
having everyone stand perfectly still for half an hour
2 – Again with the Teleporter and Spock’s mom. Although
apparently it is capable of teleporting Kirk whilst falling at terminal
velocity for fifteen minutes (and wtf happened to inertia?) but if Spock’s mom
moves half an inch its “Signal Lost”... *facepalm*
3 - Which by the way the enemy has got enough to possibly
wipe out the entire universe of every single planet EVAR!!! If you haven’t seen
it... well spoilers... the thing is bigger than a beach ball and it only takes
one eye drop to turn a planet into a black hole. Here’s the even more bugnutty
part. In a comic book prequel tie-in, which goes into explaining who Nero (the
evil Romulan) has such a hard-on for Spock, the reason this stuff exists is to
stop a star from going super nova and wiping out Romulus, the Romulan homeworld
(which btw has finally achieved peace and reunification with the Vulcans after
the events of TNG and Nemesis). So they build a ship that contains the ‘Red
Matter’ (*urgh*), which is piloted by
Spock so he can set up the missile to save Romulus and something goes wrong and
blah blah blah. Okay I grok that Spock’s ship is designed to contain the ‘Red
Matter’ (*urrrgh*), and that Nero needed the ship to get the matter to finally
reveal himself to the Jedi and at least he can get revenge. HOWEVER, if they
knew that less than a fucking teaspoon of this shit could turn a planet inside
out, why the hell did they equip a ship with what I’m informed is technically
known as a metric butt-ton? It’s not like the made the whole inside the fucking
ship to begin with? Oh and then because all the geniuses at Starfleet
Engineering took a fucking break, they decided to not equip the ship with any
defensive capabilities beyond the syringe torpedoes (used to inject the crap
into the sun) because it’s not like someone is going to steal a defenceless
ship full of a substance that destroy fucking galaxies! No I can’t think of
anyone at all like the Borg, the Ferengi, the Cardassians, the Dominion, or the
numerous other species Starfleet has managed to piss off throughout the
centuries, who would dare try to take the ship and quite possibly try to
destroy Vulcan or Earth... but I digress.
4 – Oh and if a droplet of this stuff can turn a planet
inside out, then why the fuck didn’t the entire galaxy get turned inside out
when the giant beach ball blew up inside the Romulan ship??? FFS!
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